Going wine tasting is one of my favorite past times. I love experiencing new wines. There is something very intriguing about how each wine offers its very own unique expression of place, people, and process. As a tasting room owner, it has been fun seeing all sorts of people come through. We’ve enlightened the palates of new wine drinkers and destroyed the preconceptions of many staunch snobs. In a previous post, wine slinger Ben shared some Wine Tasting Tips for Newbies. In today’s installment, I would like to share five things NOT to do while wine tasting.

The following tips come from recent experiences and believe it or not, they are ALL true. Wine is an alcoholic beverage and can be known to turn an otherwise normal person into something very different, as evidenced by the following list. I’m sure every winery owner or wine tasting room owner could add at least five more to this list too…

“Wine – How Classy People Get Trashed”

• Don’t pour your own wine.

I realize that during large tastings this could be tempting. After all, the wine is sitting on the counter just begging to be caressed and emptied.  The guy behind the bar is busy pouring another wine. You just can’t wait and the magnetic pull of the bottle to your glass is overwhelmingly strong. DON’T DO IT. In addition to being against the law, it’s just a little rude. Yes, I realize we are friends and the space is cozy and you’re feeling pretty relaxed and at home. Be patient, we’ll get to you. I promise, we won’t run out.

• Don’t destroy my property.

Now this sounds simple enough and hopefully this isn’t a regular occurrence. When cleaning up after a large wine weekend recently, I noticed some weird dots on our nice paper flower centerpieces at one table. “Hmmm, this feels weird,” I thought. “Oh, my gosh, you’ve got to be kidding me…GUM!” Who, in their right mind decides it is okay to decorate a paper flower with a little gum stigma? That is all I have to say about that.

• Keep your drama to yourself.

A day of drinking with the girlfriends can be fun. Unfortunately after about 18 little one ounce pours at 4 locations with little food and zero water, some old “she said, she said” drama can start to emerge. Come on girls, you’re too pretty to be grumpy. We’re not a bar. In our little space all the customers are in on your frequent trips to the bathroom and not so hushed jabs. There is no crying in wine tasting. Be friends and save your drama for another time, please.

• Don’t harass the other customers.

You think I’m kidding with this one, but NO – this actually happened. A group of happy people were enjoying their wine tasting recently when all of a sudden I hear, “What are you looking at b^!ch? I’ll knock your f&*king head off!” Whoa! What the heck. A quick analysis of the situation reveals a stunned group of young girls being accosted by someone from another group that just came in. Smartly the two young ladies didn’t react to the unsolicited abuse and sheepishly left. WAIT, those are my customers you just ran off. This is a winery not a biker bar. If I hadn’t been alone, I would have run off to apologize to the girls. As it was, I politely smiled to the remaining group and tried to give them the best experience I could. Not sure what happened and as the tasting progressed, the group seemed quite pleasant and we hit it off pretty well…hmmm…go figure.

• Don’t grope or kiss the owner.

I realize after a few glasses of wine and in dim lighting I can look pretty attractive, but kissing the help is generally frowned upon and usually won’t get you a discount on wine. This experience happened within the first three weeks of us being opened and I was thinking, “Oh my, what did I get myself into?” This customer and I can laugh about this now but needless to say I was pretty shocked at the time. Feel free to flirt, get sassy and bat your eyes all you want. It’s great for the ego. But it might be best for everyone if you found someone else to kiss (or spank or grope).

There you have it. I’m sure as time progresses I’ll have many stories to tell in this space. If you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios, don’t worry – your identity is safe with me and I only share because I can laugh about it now, hopefully you can too.

“Once you know what you like, you’re already an expert.” This is a phrase I use all too often in the tasting room for intimidated newbies and, in many ways, I believe it.  Sounds pretty simple and inviting right?  Sadly, the man behind curtain would agree that there’s more to enjoying wine than simply sticking to what you’ve previously found easy and comfortable.  The world of wine is dying to be discovered in each and every soul.  Yes, if you’re a novice drinker and find Franzia to be smooth and elegant then that’s your prerogative.  I’ll even find myself enjoying a nice glass of boxed wine on a summer camping trip.  But for me to say you’re an expert in my tasting room needs the accompaniment of a little more explanation.

No one, and I mean no one, has ever been born with an amazing wine palate.  It’s a physiological and psychological structure, if you will, built with experience, dedication, and attention to every subtle detail inhabited by the wines we’ve had in our past.  An expert might know more than one can conceive, but life has shown me the true best of the best are always willing to learn and be proven wrong.  I say this because no one should ever “know what they like” and refuse to veer from that path claiming to be an expert on their own palate; you never know how much you could be missing out on.  For example, I’ve had roughly twenty different Tempranillos (Spain’s “noble grape” often referred to as the Spanish Cabernet) as of late, and I have yet to find one that truly tickles my fancy.  Will I stop drinking Tempranillo?  NO!  All it means is that I get the luxury of being “forced” to keep drinking more until I find one I like.  Yes, there’s the possibility that the day won’t come, but to be honest I’ll never know.  There’s too much wine in the world to ever stop searching.

Certainly taste what you know you like, but never be against branching out from time to time.  The saddest thing one could ever do to is become unwilling and close-minded.  This goes for everything, not just wine.  The honest reason I jumped into the wine industry is to help expand the palate of the young and willing world, as well as my own.  Develop and build your palate by taking chances, stepping outside of your preconceived box, and letting the world of vino come alive in you.  Just for fun, next time you stop in the any tasting room or wine shop, tell the worker to grab a wine he or she thinks you’ve never had before.  You can always let them know the wine you usually drink so as to help narrow down the selection.  I’m not saying one can’t have “their wine”, but don’t choose it every time.  Simply acknowledge it as your safety net, but seize every opportunity to experience something new.  Who knows, you might find a suggestible Tempranillo for yours truly.  Wine is life so make it a good one!
About The Author

Ben Hilzinger is a wine slinger at Nectar Tasting Room and at the Arbor Crest Winery. During the day he masquerades as an aspiring drum teacher seeking to instill a sense of rhythm in wanna be rockers. In the evening Ben dons his rock star cape as a drummer for a local band. Ben hopes to share the love of wine with his generation and has aspirations to be a wine maker.

The scenario – You’ve just scored a date with a super hot friend of your co-worker. When you pick her up she is wearing a clingy red low-cut dress. The kind of dress that shows her curves and makes you hope it’s a little breezy. As the evening progresses, all the signs point to success. She laughs at all your jokes, she flings her hair back flirtatiously, and touches your shoulder periodically when she’s talking. You arrive at the restaurant and score the table overlooking the river. The waiter comes over hands you your menu and hands YOU the wine menu. As you open it up, a cold sweat comes over you and your cheeks get flush. What does it all mean? How do you choose? 

The Dude’s Guide to Wine helps demystify and educate the average Joe about wine. 

• In Part One we explained three reasons all guys should know a little about wine – Rated PG
• In Part Two we explored the basics of grapes and their general characteristics – Rated PG-13
• In Part Three we talked about the experience of wine tasting (swirl, smell, sip, savor) – Rated R

Why is there so much anxiety when ordering wine or buying from a store? I think it can be distilled down into one thing; Fear of Failure. We’re afraid of ordering the wrong wine with the food. We’re afraid of paying too much for a bad tasting wine. We’re afraid of looking bad. The dude is comfortable with ordering beer. You’ll always find the same basic beer in every restaurant. A margarita is basically the same wherever you go. Wine, however can cause even the Chuck Norris type dudes to develop Erkle like demeanor.

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Directions

The best sex happens when guys aren’t afraid to ask their ladies for a little direction. The same thing is true with the wine experience. Asking directions can lead you to the ‘G Spot’ or pleasure center of food and wine pairings! Some basic tips:

• Ask the wait staff if the restaurant offers small wine flight samples – This is a small two ounce pour of three different wines to help determine a good selection. This is also a great sharing experience between you and your date.
• Ask the diva in the red dress (your date) if she has any particular favorites. If she prefers sweet white Rieslings and you order a big meaty Cabernet Sauvignon, the mood could be ruined. If she really has no preference, she’ll defer back to your manly decision making skills.
• Wait to make your final wine decision until you’ve made your dinner selection. While many opinions exists about proper food / wine pairings, there is some science to the right experience.
• Don’t be afraid to ask the wait staff for a recommendation. This shows care, concern and passion. Your lady won’t be keen to your lack of wine understanding, she’ll be impressed at your discernment to defer to a knowledgeable resource.
• While ordering a bottle is preferable; because as the nectar flows the conversation grows, don’t be afraid to order two different glasses that pair best with each of your meals.

If you choose to go it alone, refer to Part 2 of this series for a basic explanation of grapes and food pairings. The generalizations are RED WINE for big hearty meats and pastas and WHITE WINE for lighter chicken, white sauce, and spice.

The more you experience wine, the more comfortable you will feel at making the decisions. Great wine pairings will come with ease and the lady will be pleased. Similar to sex, you start with a basic knowledge of anatomy and what goes where. The more you experience it, the better moves you make and the passion comes with ease and the lady is pleased.

Tips for Navigating the Store

The scenario: Your successful moves on date one have led to the all important “night in” dinner date. This is the date that is at either one of your residence that migrates from dinner to the couch with potential for second and third base. As a side note, hosting dinner and making it from scratch will score you big points. Also, don’t be too quick to slide into home. Showing restraint shows self-control, builds trust, and grows anticipation for the final scene. For this date you are without the help of the wait staff and must rely on your cunning abilities to navigate the wine store, local winery, or local grocer (I strongly encourage you to BUY LOCAL for good service and informative advice).

• Decide what’s for dinner and follow the same basic principles when ordering at a restaurant
• Determine your budget. While there are a lot of good $10 and under wines out there, nothings says, “let’s get drunk and screw” like a bottle of Two Buck Chuck. Shoot for something between $20-30 and your chances are better that it will be a good wine and if she knows anything about wine, she’ll be a little impressed.

Personally, I would avoid going all out for something more than $25 on a date like this. 1) You don’t want to set the bar too high for future wine purchases. Starting high may set an expectation that your wallet cannot afford. 2) You haven’t yet sealed the deal. At this point you’re still feeling things out (so to speak).

•  Ask the wine steward or shop attendant. Similar to the restaurant, tell them your dinner and your budget and they can be a wealth of information.
• If there isn’t a wine steward available, the store should be grouped by grape varietal. Head to one that fits the general pairings mentioned above and in post 2 and choose one that fits your budget.
• If you’re ambitious you can choose a label that fits the mood of the relationship. Chances are, as you look, you’ll see labels that are sexy and flirty, fun and witty, artistic, and fancy.

Don’t let the size of the selection bother you. As the girls say, it’s not the size that matters, it’s the quality. One final tip, if you think things are going to go well, buy two bottles. As the night progresses, you would hate to find yourself without more wine!

There you have it, four posts to help the average dude venture into the wine world. Would you like to see more? There have been some preliminary conversations about turning this series into a book. What other things should the average guy know about wine? Are you a beer drinking dude? Comment here, let me know.

DRINK.HAPPY!

Tasting wine is a similar experience. Wine is a lover to be enjoyed, caressed, and passionately embraced. This is something that guys need to learn. We’re not used to the delicate intricacies of a woman (or wine). Most of the time we fumble along hoping our bodies connect in the right way. A real man appreciates the arresting aroma, savours the supple style and drinks in delicate drama that is a woman (or wine). Dude’s it is time to move from our slam a shot mentality to the savor the senses experience that is wine. This is a gentle love affair not a one night stand.

In the first two posts we talked about;

• Three reasons all dudes need to know at least a little about wine
• Explained seven wine grapes to help understand the strange new world

Today, we are going to talk about tasting wine. Wine can be described as a symphony with its subtle nuances and bold phrases emphasizing the rise and fall of emotion. As guys, we’re used to a drum solo – bam – it’s loud and fast and it’s over and we’re happy – time to sleep.

Let’s explore the way to taste and enjoy wine (dude style)

The Swirl: Getting Her Ready

Lay her back, rub you hands in a circle letting her get excited. She gets aroused as the friction causes her to breathe. With the motion you take notice of her color, her quality, and her clarity. Her juices run down the…GLASS! We’re talking about wine here guys!

Exploring wine begins with the swirl. People swirl wine to allow oxygen into the wine. A nice crystal glass and the shape of the bowl help the wine to breathe and prepare the next step; the sniff. Don’t over pour your wine. A four or five ounce pour is plenty (remember wine has twice the alcohol as  a normal beer). Leave enough room in the glass so that when you swirl you’re not spilling on your girls new dress. That is a major foul and will probably not lead to the desired outcome of the night.

The Sniff: The Intoxicating Allure

The flurry of motion has released a myriad of aromas that flood the nose. With a deep inhale you allow the smell to penetrate. Your brain becomes excited at the anticipation prompting a heightened awareness of the other senses. Careful not to rush, you enjoy the smells before you dive in to taste…THE WINE. We’re still talking about wine here guys!

Wine, more than any other beverage, offers a variety of aroma (and taste). These tastes vary greatly between region, grape, year, and personal style of the wine maker. Enjoy the smells of the wine. Refer to the second post in this series for a stereotype of the seven common wines you’ll encounter.

The Sip: The Explosion in Your Mouth

Your senses are nearly on overload. The aroma has you transfixed, the anticipation makes you swell with excitement. Your mouth waters as you expectantly take it in. The flavors dance across your tongue. Now more than ever your senses are aroused as the full climax of the experience is revealed…still talking about THE WINE here.

As you drink in the wine, let it sit in your mouth. For the first few sips, let it rinse across all parts of your mouth from front to back. Take note of how it tastes different on the tip of your tongue to the sides of your mouth. Good wine will reveal different secrets even after you swallow it (the finish). Some wine will be smooth and sweet and others will be dry and tart. These different flavor profiles work well with different foods. Like food, you’ll develop a preference for some, but don’t be afraid to experiment.

Enjoying wine may seem as intimidating as talking to a Victoria Secret model (while she’s still in her unmentionables), but the sexiness and complexity is revealed as you pull back the covers of the Swirl, Sniff, and Sip. Keep these basic principles in mind and even the most basic dude will experience the foreplay and climax that is tasting wine.

On a final note, guys; be willing to experiment. We all want our ladies to be playful in bed and open to new experiences. We need to take our own advice. It’s okay to walk into the store and buy 3-4 different bottles just to taste. Even better, take your lady on a day trip to a few winery tasting rooms. This is a fun and affordable way to explore new experiences. Be a man, don’t be a friggin’ sissy. Man up and go wine tasting. You just might have fun and you just might get laid!

In the final post of this four-part series we will attempt to demystify buying wine at the store and ordering at restaurants.

The Dude’s Guide to Wine

• In Part One we explained three reasons all guys should know a little about wine
• In Part Two we explored the basics of grapes and their general characteristics
• In Part Three we talked about the experience of wine tasting (swirl, smell, sip, savor)
• In Part Four we uncover the struggle of ordering wine at restaurants and buying in stores

Drink.Happy

The sensuality within each little berry will drive you wild and explode with flavor in your mouth!

“The Dude’s Guide to Wine” is a wine primer for the average guy who tends to reach for a beer in all social situations. This four-part series began with three reasons all guys need to know at least the basics about wine.

1) Success: At some point you’ll experience success in life and wine may seem more appropriate.

2) Stupidity: No guy likes to look stupid and life events will eventually lead you to bring wine to a dinner party or having to order wine at a restaurant.

3) Sex: Girls love wine. Guys love girls and sex. Wine can lead to good sex!

If one or all of these reasons are not enough for you, then you are free to leave this blog and go back to the porn you were looking up.

The Sexy Grape

Like a woman, there are several subtleties and intricacies of wine grapes. They can be coy, sweet and seductive like the girl next door in a private school uniform or they can be bold and brash, oozing sex appeal, like the stripper you met…well…nevermind. The trick is to avoid the skanky cheap tawdry whores while learning which ones you can bring to dinner with your mother.

There are over 10,000 documented grape species (varietals) grown in just about every region of the world. Attempting to understand them all is like trying to understand the hidden meaning behind the statement, “do you think she’s pretty?” Most popular grape varietals can trace their roots to France and Italy. The largest wine-producing states in the U.S. are California, Washington, Oregon and New York.

As a dude, we need to keep it simple. We may be able to tell you the important facts, like who was the MVP of Super Bowl III (Joe Namath), but memorizing hundreds of grapes and their characteristics just aint going to happen. Let’s talk about 7 basic grapes, what food they go with and when you may enjoy them. Much more could be said about each grape discussed below. In the interest of basic understanding, I’ll be offering the stereotype of each. While many experts may weigh in on their opinions and insights, The Dude’s Guide to Wine is just trying to keep it simple for the average guy who may confuse maceration with…you know…

RED WINE: The sultry sexy diva that can fulfill your wildest fantasies. If you’re not careful you’ll wake up in the morning recounting the night vis-a-vis The Hangover. Red wine grapes are described as earthy, spices, dark red fruit (cherry, plum currant, strawberry, blackberry, blueberry), smokey, tobacco, leather, and more. We could spend hours undressing the specifics of each.

Cabernet Sauvignon (cab-ur-nay saw-vin-yawn)  The king of wine grapes. Pairs best with steak, pasta and dark chocolate. Flavors of spice, dark berry, leather and cocoa. This is your strong-willed woman who likes to show she is in charge. She likes it hot and when you get her going she’ll let down her hair and show you her kinky spicy side.

Pinot Noir (pee-no nwar) – If Cab’s are the king then Pinot’s are the queen. Not queen as in a drag queen but because they are of royal decent and require a lot of attention and effort to put out a good wine. Pinots are very versatile and pair well with beef, poultry, fish, lamb, pork, spicy and creamy sauces. Pinot Noirs are like your high maintenance drama queen who likes diamonds, fancy cars, nice clothes and carry their dogs in their purse. At the end of the date you’ll find your wallet a little thin, but the payoff is ‘hot.’

Merlot (Mare-low) Merlot pairs well with red meat, pork and red pasta dishes. A medium bodied wine that is less bold than its blending partner Cabernet Sauvignon. The unappreciated Merlot is like the girl in those teen movies who starts off unassuming, wearing glasses and has bad hair and acne. With a little make up and hairspray she turns into the movie hottie (Ten Things I Hate About You).

Other Red ladies to date after you’ve explored the ones above: Syrah (the current Elvis of wine), Sangiovese (our Italian lover), and Zinfandel (the sexy hussy)

WHITE WINE: Known by many as refreshing, classy and cool, white wine should be treated like a lady. Be careful, although she is cool and refreshing, she can sneak up on you leaving you dazed and confused.

Chardonnay (Shar-don-ay) Chardonnay pairs well with poultry, pork, seafood and heavy cream butter based sauces. Flavors of buttered apple, pear, tropical fruit and melon leave a long impression on the mouth. Chardonnay will remind you of the cute Miami beach hottie wearing the skimpy brazilian cut bikini. Once you talk to her, you find out she has a personality and a brain! Score!

Pinot Grigio (Pee-no Gree-gee-oh) Italian for Pinot Gris this grape pairs well with acidic foods like red pasta roasted chicken and roasted pork. Refreshing flavors of pair, apple, and lemon prevail. Depending on where they are grown they can have light or medium bodies. Imagine sitting on the deck in the summer with your high school sweetheart. She has a glow from the heat, her top is clingy and her short shorts are tight. This is Pinot Grigio.

Riesling (Rees-ling) This German sweetheart is a diverse lady that can pair well with many foods (including spicy and Asian.) She is a great starter with appetizers and can wrap up the evening with dessert. Depending on where she is grown she can be sweet or dry, light or full. Picture the college professor with her hair in a bun and button down white blouse. She’s got the brains to intrigue you and the character to mystify you. Get her behind closed doors and…well I’ll leave that to your imagination.

Champagne (Sham-pain) Champagne, Sparkling Wine, Brut are known as party animals. These ladies often let loose and get wild. Flavors of baked bread, apple sauce, strawberries, cream and vanilla are often experienced. Food pairings are more than just with dessert or for toasts – try Sparkling wines with Asian food, seafood, poultry, and appetizers.

Every dude should know a little about wine. Wine has romance, imagination, character, and beauty that surpasses other adult beverages. Now that you’ve got a basic knowledge of seven types of wine you can begin the process of exploring the new world. Thanks for reading, now go grab your girl and a beer!

The Dude’s Guide to Wine

• In Part One we explained three reasons all guys should know a little about wine
• In Part Two we explored the basics of grapes and their general characteristics
• In Part Three we talked about the experience of wine tasting (swirl, smell, sip, savor)
• In Part Four we uncover the struggle of ordering wine at restaurants and buying in stores

DRINK.HAPPY

*Photo Credits SacreBlue.com and Media.PicFor.Me